5 Suggestions for parents of transitional adults ages 18-20

If you have a child who is between the age of 18 to 20, you will understand what it is to live with what I like to call a transitional adult, formally called a young adult. The reason I call them transitional adults instead of young adults is that they are physically grown but not yet mentally mature adults.

At this age, most of them do not know how to transition from a teen to being an adult. This transitional period is often dealt with by sending them off to colleges or work where, through trial and error, they find themselves. However, with the pandemic, I have been getting calls from our close friends and family, requesting me to “talk” to their kids as a family friend so they can find happiness.

From what I have seen, what parents refer to as “happiness” is not what their children want or need in their life, but what the parents want or need for their children. It is usually an image of ideal happiness the parents created in their minds.

Usually, I tell the parents that I do not take clients under the age of 21 because most parents want feedback from our “talk”. I then remind the parents that although I am happy to talk to their child, it is unethical to reveal our “talk” without their consent because legally they are adults. At this point, most parents suggest I speak to their children less seriously and more casually, like friendly advice, something easier to circumvent.

I experienced this with my first child when I was not equipped to understand or deal with the changes as it happened before my education and experience as a life coach.

Although I am a life coach and what I do differs from mental or health physicians such as psychiatrists, therapists, or counselors, most parents confuse them. When I explain to them that I help define a person’s goals and assist them in finding value in themselves, I find this is exactly what most parents believe their child needs.

The ages between 18 to 20 years are very odd for the young adults who experience it. It is an age when you want to break free from your parents, find your place in the world and make your mark.

But how do you suddenly decide that you are an adult? Just because now you can legally vote? Is that what makes you an adult? These transitional adults (“TA’s”) are questioning life, questioning self, and questioning how they fit into the world around them.

A TA is no longer naive to the world events and the world around them. Unlike the generation before them, they carry the world’s problems on their shoulders. They cannot avoid them. This generation is the most connected or plug-in generation of all time. According to the Pew Research Center, young adults in the age group of 18 to 29 are the highest group to almost constantly live their lives online. This continuous “always-on” mentality does affect one’s mental health.

In a prospective study by the National Health and Nutritional Examination Survey, “2009-2012 has indicated that about 7.6% of people aged 12 and over had moderate or severe depression (Pratt and Brody, 2014).” It was associated with time spent on-screen time, computer use, and tv watching. This always-on life, combined with emotionally transitioning from teenagehood and questioning how they fit into the adult world around them, creates a lot of emotional uncertainty for TAs. They have adult feelings but do not have the life experience to process some of the things that they have to face every day. Add to this emotional journey, the pandemic has caused a lot more anxiety and depression in this age group.

According to SAVE (Suicide Awareness Voice of Education), even though depression cannot kill you, severe depression is linked to psychiatric illness or suicide. In fact, ages 10-34 have the highest suicide rate according to the CDC (Centers for Disease Control and Prevention) which is the second leading cause of death in America.

So why these depressing stats? Because most parents who approach me often want their TA to conform to their idea of happiness, question why they are not motivated or expect them to follow the road map they laid out for them. Faced with all these negatives, I find that many TAs with whom I have ‘talked’ already have one of the three symptoms: Fight, Flight, or Freeze response.

What is Fight, Flight, or Freeze(FFF) response? Coined by American physiologist, Walter Cannon, it is a term he uses when a mind unconsciously goes into a state of automatic series of reactions to protect itself when in threatening circumstances to escape (flight), hide (freeze), or get angry (fight) to protect themselves from perceived danger. As a parent, you will never fully understand the painful thoughts that run through the minds of your TA. Sometimes it is so overwhelming that they automatically go into FFF. So how can parents ease them into a family circle without tipping the scale to overwhelm her/his TA? Here is some advice that I like parents to consider when talking to their transitional adults:

1. Listen = Listening

Being a parent, we often think that we must protect our children from the mistakes that we have made by teaching them what we learned in life. This may work before your child becomes a teenager and before they transition to adulthood. However, this good intention will not be received well by your TA. To them, they are ready to make their own mistakes and reflect on their achievements for their future. This is the time when parents must learn to listen instead of telling them to listen to them. Active listening is letting your TA talk about things you may disagree with or dislike and not sharing your own opinion. When you establish an environment where you do not lecture or judge them, they will slowly begin to open up to you. One day, they might even ask for your opinion.

2. Questioning = Inquisition

Most TAs stop sharing their thoughts with their parents and withdraw. Parents often feel left out of their child’s life and try to pry open what is not available to them by questioning their TA’s life. To your TA, this will most likely feel more like an inquisition than just innocent questioning. If you want to learn what is happening in their lives, ask indirectly what they are up to. For example, ask things like, “did you eat?” “Can I make you something?” “So you went to the pizza with Joe, how is Joe doing?” “I have not seen him in so long.” This conversational approach takes focuses on what he/she is doing in a soft and caring tone. In short, asking about his/her friends (or what he/she likes), opens the door for a friendly exchange resulting in helpful and insightful information.

3. Spend time = No talking

Most people are afraid of silence but to a TA they dread the conversation that they will have with their parents. To them, they will be questioned or hear suggestions about their future. It’s a lot of noise that they already feel in their head. If you want a TA to spend time with you, do an activity together away from the eye of their friends. Ask her/him to help you bake a cookie, ask for advice on technology, and ask if she/he can help you fix something around the house. A small way for them to engage with you and slowly introduce humor, something positive. This will create a positive association with you and stop shutting themselves in their room.

4. Boundaries = Give space

They may be your baby, but the reality is they are also of legal age to leave home and live on their own. Setting healthy boundaries that both of you can agree on is also respecting them as an adult. Setting clear expectations so that both of you do not assume anything from one another. Expectations may include when she/he should be home, what part of the household chore both of you can share, or when she/he has company, ask that they be respectful and pick up after themselves. Socialization is a delicate topic. In exchange for the above, you should not excessively interact with her/his friends unless it is okay with your TA. In other words, treat them like a roommate rather than your child.

5. Example = Direction

Recognize your TA is all grown up. You may feel they no longer need you but the reality is they still do. They still observe you and learn from you. So set a good example with your actions rather than your words. When a parent outwardly lives her/his life with grounded values, it offers your TA a model of standards they can leverage for themselves. You are still their role model even though they will never let you know.

Final words to parents of TAs: Congratulations. You made it this far as a parent. You nursed them as a baby and now they are on the verge of adulthood. They may seem aloof, but give them time to discover themselves. As they pass this uncertain time in their lives, they will emerge as an adult that you envisioned. Right now, they just need a bit of time and patience.

If you think your TA may have symptoms of depression or suicidal thoughts, you can get more information from SAVE (Suicide Awareness Voice of Education). https://save.org/about-suicide/mental-illness-and-suicide/depression/